I wish I could stay still for a little while longer.
It’s as if the empty luggage bags underneath my bed are screaming to me louder and louder every day and are making me dream about crazy adventures at night. It must be, because in the last weeks I have been waking up in the morning with worryingly high levels of travel fever. When opening my (half empty) wardrobe in the morning I often become slightly panicked by the huge amount of stuff I have managed to accumulate in the last 1,5 years. I am counting down the days to when I can say my final goodbyes to at least 3/4 of my current possessions, leave behind an empty room, take my passport and check in only two bags full of vitally important items. A new life always comes with new stuff anyway.
It’s a shame the things I would most like to take with me can’t be carried around in a suitcase though. In fact, a big part of those are real human beings that (I assume) would refuse to spend hours stuffed inside bags and being degraded from economy to the airplane’s hold.
People. I wish I could just get through life without them.
It’s also a shame I can’t just download all the experiences, sceneries, tastes and feelings from my brain into some printable form that I could organise into folders in preparation for more or less severe memory losses in the future. I don’t want to forget a thing. Not even the immense feelings of frustration when never being warm in our house in the winter or when having to take ice cold showers, the mixed feelings of hatred, disgust and sense of achievement when coming up with new mouse trap installations or the inability to move your body properly after a week of wood-carrying. Not one day has gone by without worries or troubles, but the thing that made it all worth it were all the real friendships that have been built and/or strengthened along the journey.
If you want to get to know truly astonishing people, you should come to Networks. For the last two years I have had the privilege to work and share life with very, very special (in a good way) and loving people and right now the thought of leaving all this behind feels like a huge gamble. What am I doing? Am I absolutely out of my mind? I have all these wonderful friends and a meaningful job and I’m just planning on leaving? Why?
Those stupid bags underneath my bed.
It’s a blessing and a curse to have moved around all over the place pretty much since the age of 1. If you have had 18 different addresses within 25 years, it’s quite obvious that change is a more familiar state than if things are just constantly staying the same. And the unfair part is that with growing older (at least in my case) leaving behind people and saying goodbye only becomes harder and harder and the need for privacy and an own space greater, but still… you can not stay still. Not necessarily because you wouldn’t want to, but because you simply don’t know how to. Becoming stagnant still remains the greatest fear and the hunger for new challenges outweighs the need for stable living conditions.
I wish I could pack my bags with things that matter. Every time I prepare to move I become aware of what really is important to me. Stuff is so easy to replace but still I find myself clinging on to materialistic things and desires. But what did I do with the time I had when I stayed in this place? Was I living in the moment and was I enjoying myself? What did I learn? Whom did I meet? Did I do things that mattered? Did I build relationships that will be fruitful?
I wish I could pack my bags with things that matter, but still my suitcases will be filled with clothes, shoes and a boring selection of papers classified as ‘highly important’. I wish the world would evolve around me and my choices would be so powerful they would make other people want to conform to my way of life and start traveling around with me. And I wish that as long as the previous sentence isn’t true, I will at least be able to keep as many of the built friendships alive as possible.
I wish I could stay and go at the same time.
But baby, I just want you to know that it’s not you, it’s me. And even though I am moving out, I hope we can still stay friends. And on the other hand though, it’s not me, it’s you… I mean, you matter.