A self portrait to smash the facade

It’s a scary event, taking that first look in the mirror in the morning. Usually i’m too tired to actually realize what is staring at me. But Saturday mornings are different. There’s time.

Just as a favor to others I paint on a face of confidence every day. I try to cover every mistake on the skin, though there are not even many. I try to create some drama around my eyeballs, because in reality they would just be like two dull main actors making the audience fall asleep in the middle of the comedy.

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I admit to admire people with dark skin and strong features. Dark, beautiful hair. Eye lashes that curve to the sky. The iris so dark and clear you can mirror yourself in it. Sometimes i wish i could change the fact that I was born to this earth to hold the title ‘whitest person ever’. Though it hasn’t been easy, i’ve learnt to ignore all the times people entertain themselves with the sad truth that even after lying 48 hours straight in the sunlight, no color change would take place on my skin. I am white. Just white. Sadly some people would destroy their skin with chemicals just to become a little bit more like me.

What is it in us that always makes us want to be something we are not?

What makes us think that what we have now, is not enough?

Why is it so hard to just be, and be real?

Why can’t we simply be honest in how we are, what we do and how we look?

Why all these facades?

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You know those girls, who are good-looking, self-confident and a bit mean, and who get everything and everyone they ever want? I’ve been striving to become one of them. Truth is, I’m kind and open-hearted and get constantly trampled over. I walk with my heart 10 meters ahead of my brain. I’m weird and vulnerable. I rather listen than talk. I rather say what i think or say nothing at all. The world says those kind of people are weak and insecure.

But i don’t think knowing or admitting weaknesses is being weak. I’d almost state the opposite. Being pretentious and fake is. Vulnerability could as well be a strength.

Being a person, who knows what they can or can’t do – you might hold more cards in your hands than you think. When being you, being real and being honest you probably attract people who value the same things, the real you and whom you can be honest with. Why would you even want anything else?

What would happen, if you’d start being honest with yourself and the people around you? How would others react, if you’d let your flaws show? Where would you end up, if you’d start doing things you really want to do? If you’d talk about what’s really of your interest? If you’d organize the puzzle pieces of your life in an unexpected way, your way? If you’d walk against the stream?

What would be released to the surface? Could you be proud of what you have in your heart? You might have good looks, but do you have good character? And at the end of the day, what matters most?

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This is me in our kitchen. I have no make-up on and have not brushed my hair. I live in the middle of nowhere, in a small, rural village in Romania. Far from the world of perfection. The walls of our house are cracking. Our floor is missing tiles. Cupboard doors would need fixing. Spiders as unwanted residents. Limescale as one of our biggest enemies. That bottle of vinegar on the table as the antidote.

You might look down on me, pity me and my way of life and think i look ugly without makeup. You might think i’m crazy for not dressing up properly before taking a picture i’m going to publish online. For not covering up those dark circles under my eyes, for not setting up the picture scene. Not getting on a sexy pose. For not making it look like i’m living the perfect life everyone should be wanting to live. Truth is, i’m not.

But do i care? Obviously not.

I remember the days when i would spend a big chunk of my time worrying about looks and the greatest goal in life was to be living for money, so that i could start building it around success and wealth. When i would find meaning and self-worth in the labels on the clothing I was wearing. When i seriously considered surgery as a shortcut to beauty that i already had anyway. When taking away my hair extensions caused an identity crisis. Thank God those days are just a couple of bad pictures in a photo album now.

Being real is great. And that’s what i want to inspire people to be.

Life is not so much about making something fake. It really is more about making something fine. And freaking fabulous.

 

There you have it. My real-self-portrait x 3.

 

/miia

Also, to feel inspired, I’d recommend to watch a video from the link below.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

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